Stronger Together: How to Make Personal Finance a Pillar of Strength in Your Relationships

Money can be one of the most stressful issues in a relationship, especially for military families. Frequent relocations, deployments, and career sacrifices can strain even the strongest partnerships. While you may be stressing about deployments and promotions, the spouse or significant other supporting you is probably just as stressed -- and on top of that frustrated by the hoops they jump through and sacrifices they make with their career and finances to support you.

In America today, statistics show that financial stress is a leading cause of divorce. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, 31% of adults with partners reported that money was a major source of conflict in their relationships. For military families, this number grows to 42% of divorces tracing the cause back to money problems. It makes sense considering military families have all the normal challenges -- and the unique pressures of military life such as frequent moves (PCS), deployments, and duty assignments far away from job-rich cities. But it doesn’t have to be this way. By tackling your finances as a team, you can turn money from a source of stress into a foundation of strength in your relationship.

The Emotional Toll of Financial Stress in Military Families

Let’s face it—money can be a major source of embarrassment and tension, especially in a military household. If you’re the non-military spouse, you might have given up a promising career to follow your partner from PCS to PCS to PCS. You might feel isolated, without a support system, and anxious about the future. On top of that, the frequent job changes and the uncertainty of military life can make it difficult to plan financially. If you’re the service member, you may feel the burden of being the sole breadwinner, constantly worried about how your family will manage when you’re deployed for extended periods.

But it’s crucial to remember that these challenges can be overcome. By working together and having open, honest conversations about your financial goals and struggles, you can create a solid plan that works for both of you. In fact, there are a few things to do right away with your partner, no matter if you've been just dating for 5 months, or married for 5 years (or longer!), or even if you have 5 kids!

1. Have "The Talk". In America, and especially in the military, money is a taboo subject, especially for the Working, Lower-Middle, and Middle Classes in which more than 3 out of 5 households are still living Paycheck-to-Paycheck. The first step is to break this taboo and start talking about money. You'll be surprised what you learn about your finances, even from someone you've been with for years!
2. Identify Shared Values. If one of you is a Saver and the other is a Spender, you may never see eye-to-eye on anything dealing with money. But that doesn't mean you can't build success together. By discussing what you value, and how you think about money, you can find common ground. With common ground, you will be able to budget in a way that rewards both partners, and doesn't lead to resentment about "you spend too much," or "I hate that we save all our money and don't enjoy it."
3. Build a Common Dream Life. Sure, you want to retire to the Ozark's and spend the rest of your life on a fishing boat, and he wants to retire to Atlanta and be seen on everyone's Instagram. The reality is you can have both in your Dream Life if you plan it together. Better still is with a shared Dream for what the future holds, you will work together to save and invest in order to afford the entire Dream.
4. Schedule Monthly Money Dates. Relationships are hard work, and this tip will help iron out the wrinkles not just in your finances but in your friendship as well. Just by scheduling time together each month, you can avoid getting swept away in the craziness of life and parenting; so long as one of those dates includes a "monthly review" or "quarterly report" on your budget and household finances, you will also get "left of the boom" and keep financial disagreements out of the picture.

Everyone Rows Together

The tips in the last section will help bring finances out of the dark and to the forefront of your relationships and family life. Making sure money problems don't lurk in the background is the best strategy to keep them from transforming into totally destructive problems that blindside you and scuttle your relationship. In other words, you've got to keep finances out in the open to prevent them from becoming an emotional problem of stress or resentment. Even if you are comfortable financially and there's no problem in terms of the monthly budget or dollars-and-cents, resentment and jealousy can still exist.

Even after you've gotten money out in the open, you've still got to guard against actual money problems becoming relationship problems. You can be totally of one mind and vision, but if you're broke your financial ship can still sink. Fortunately there are three actions you can take right now to keep finances in check.

1. Proportional Budgeting. Don't try to pay all the bills on your own, even if you're the main or only "breadwinner" in the family. First, you will be broke with no Fun Money while your partner gets to enjoy 100% of their smaller paychecks. Second, this will make the one with the smaller paycheck feel they aren't contributing. Instead, divide your monthly paycheck by your total household income to find the percent of the budget that is yours. Then split your expenses along those lines. This allows each partner to contribute to the household/family expenses, and to do it in proportion to their "ability to pay", leaving each with a fair amount of Fun Money leftover each month to enjoy.

EXAMPLE: Several years ago my wife confronted me about not feeling empowered by being able to pay "her share" of our expenses. We figured our share of the household income, 60% and 40%, and then split all the bills the same. We totaled our monthly bills, let's just say it was $5,000, and changed them all to a joint checking account. Then we funded the joint checking account according to the 60%-40% split in income, with one of us putting in $3,000 a month and the other $2,000.

2. Automate Everything. There's really no excuse to not have everything from your cell phone bill and rent to your retirement savings and investment accounts automated. The main reason to do this is so that no bill or savings deposit is ever missed, no matter where in the world you are, or if you have access to the internet or not. The real benefit, of course, is that now when the military spouse is off training or deployed, the partner at home isn't suddenly overwhelmed with additional tasks, responsibilities, and stresses that come from trying to takeover managing the finances.

3. Share Passwords. If you've gotten this far in your relationship, you trust your partner. Trust them with your logins, too. Create a shared Google Sheets in which you each save passwords for bills and accounts for the household. Both of you can manage all the accounts without going through annoying password recovery and resets every month. Also, if one partner tries to be sneaky and change passwords, you'll notice immediately and can ask why before it turns into something bigger.

Two Scenarios

#1. Starting from Scratch: You’re in a committed relationship, but not yet married. You’ve never really talked about finances in detail, but you’re talking about marriage so now is the time to talk money, too.

1. Step 1: Have the Money Talk. It's never really too early to start talking money and goals. Be honest about your debts, income, and any bad money habits that might impact your future. It's not about being perfect -- it's about showing each other how you can support each other and grow stronger.
2. Step 2: Consider a Joint Account. Especially if you are talking marriage and starting to save for a wedding, a joint account is a great way to practice managing joint finances while also tracking progress towards your goals together. Contribute proportionally each month. If things don't work out and you go your separate ways, you'll only have one account to sort out instead of dozens.
3. Step 3: Create a Budget Together. Before you actually smash your lives together, practice budgeting together to get a feel for how life will look when you share everything. This can be especially useful if one of you has a bad shopping habit to get under control, as it creates accountability early in a relationship before it becomes a problem.
4. (Bonus) Consult with Base Legal. It doesn't matter if you've been best friends since you were 5, high school sweethearts from 15, and soul mates who married right after Boot Camp. Everyone wants to think marriage is forever, yet almost 1 in 2 ends in divorce. Consult with a lawyer or judge advocate at your Base Legal about what is required to establish a Prenuptual Agreement before you say "I do."

#2. Married with Young Children, Struggling with Finances. After 8 years of marriage and 6 years of parenthood with two little ones running around, money has become a source of tension. Although you and your partner have never shared managing the finances, an upcoming deployment makes it a necessity.

1. Step 1: Open Up the Dialogue. No more waiting -- get a sitter for the kids this Saturday, and plan a date with your spouse. Be up front and explain that while you're looking forward to some time without the kids, 60 minutes of the date has to be spent discussing household finances, money goals, and what to do with your upcoming deployment to keep everything on the rails. After ordering your food, get out your phone and set the timer, then get to talking. Start with Questions.
   • Before getting into the numbers, ask your partner questions about their feelings now and for the future. It doesn't make sense to talk budgeting if your partner feels totally inadequate and ignored, or if you're completely clueless, about your household finances. You've got to fix that emotional issue first and help both of you feel comfortable, included, and empowered.
   • Try questions like, "how are you feeling about our finances?" "Do you think we're doing a good job sharing responsibilities?" "Is there something you wish I/we/you were doing better?" "What do you think about saving ____ for ____? Can we work together on that?"
     
2. Step 2: Dream and Budget. Write down the answers to all these questions, as well as the values, goals, and Dreams that you share with each other. Before the timer goes off, agree on tasks each of you can do in the next 1-2 weeks to transform these goals and plans into a budget.
3. Step 3: Automate and Share. Ideally you will be able to adjust who is paying how much for what so that you have an "equitable" budget in which you each contribute to the family's expenses. But even if you don't and the military spouse has to consider carrying 100% of the financial load, you still need to automate all accounts and share passwords. In some cases, you may have to specifically add your partner to an account so they can create their own unique login. Whatever it takes, act now to involve both partners at a level appropriate for their desire and ability.

Career Breaks and Bouncing Back

Frequent relocations can make it tough for the non-military spouse to maintain a career, a "penalty" that falls disproportionately on women who marry into the military. There are thousands of talented, highly qualified, and well-educated military spouses who are working in retail, primary education, or day care, when their personal and professional goals were vastly different. This feeling of sacrifice and inadequacy can be tolerated for only so long. If your potential spouse is worried about this in their future marriage to a service member, or if your partner is feeling this way right now, work together on a plan to overcome the challenge.

One of the most successful tactics for a non-working spouse to get back into the workforce at a level that is appropriate for their skills and experience is to interview as an intern. While it may sound silly to someone in their 30s, 40s, or 50s to compete for an internship with 25-year-old grad students, it demonstrates passion and commitment, and can quickly get your foot in the door. Here's a fantastic TED Talk by Carol Fishman Cohen that can help with practical steps and motivation to give it a try.

It's also mind-blowing how many opportunities for work are out there that don't require anything more than a laptop and WiFi, and offer flexible hours, great pay, and benefits. Consider remote work options, online certifications, or even starting a small business that can move with you. The goal is to carve out a career path that provides fulfillment and financial contribution, despite the challenges of military life. One of my best friend's wife started a fully online women's accessory brand that allows her to bring in as much income as her military spouse without a single disruption by PCS, deployment, or any other aspect of military life.

Raise Them Right

 As parents, we are the first and most important role models for our children in everything. Why not also serve as a positive role model when it comes to money? For my grandparents, it was not only expected but affordable to raise a family on only one income, and I saw a grandfather who was 100% in control of the family's finances. My parents were different: my mother was an ambitious and talented career educator. While my parents have done well to share the responsibility, I still see bad money habits of my grandfather come through in my father's occasional secrecy about money. He's just following his dad's example.

In our marriage, we keep everything shared and in the open. We frequently discuss our current cash and savings situations, review our budget monthly, and use Google Sheets to make quarterly and annual reports tracking our progress towards our wealth goals. We also share the goal of teaching our daughter how to be smart with money -- and how to be assertive and accountable with it, whether on her own or with her future partner. Some techniques you can use to educate your children on finance and get the entire family working together towards shared goals include:

1. Gamify savings by giving them an allowance and giving them the freedom to decide how to spend and save it. They earn points when they make smart decisions, and after earning so many points will earn a "bonus" to incentivize ongoing financial responsibility.
2. Use envelope systems to help them allocate money for different purposes, like spending, saving, and giving. Digital accounts and apps are still fairly abstract, so start by teaching your children how to budget and save using cold, hard cash they can touch and see.
3. Set up custodian checking accounts for them at age 6 or whenever your bank allows it. This will give them added responsibility for maintaining a debit card and keeping their funds secure.
4. Add them as authorized users on your credit cards to help them build credit before they turn 18. In fact, it's possible that they could inherit your Excellent credit score of 800+ on their 18th birthday, and be well on their way to avoiding the Debt Trap and becoming a homeowner.
5. Plan big purchases together. Don't drag your kids with you on adult vacations -- and don't get dragged along by them to soul-sucking weeks at DisneyWorld. Discuss vacation goals as a family, then plan them so that everyone gets a little bit of what they want. As added bonuses, not only can this reduce whining by the kids, they will also learn how to compromise and still be happy.

Turning Financial Stress into Financial Strength

The remarkable thing about talking about money and sharing responsibility with your partner is that at the end of the day nothing about your financial situation may change, but you'll feel stronger anyway. You may still be struggling to make ends meet, have no cash, and be unable to start saving for retirement, but by just bringing family finances into the light you can eliminate some or all of your stress.

The secret to healthy and happy relationships that last is openness and shared effort and commitment. When you share the responsibility of budgeting and saving, it becomes a core part of your relationship and source of strength. I have known many more broken households and divorced parents from high-income families than I have amongst Working and Middle Class military families. That was often because there was a lack of sharing or openness; in the military, we thrive on the strength we gain from shared hardship, and so it's really ironic that we forget to include family finances as part of that.

Divorce rates and broken homes in our military community are, and have long been, way too high and too common. On a personal level, I'm sick and tired of seeing our amazing young men and women in uniform -- and their families and children -- suffer for totally preventable problems associated with personal and family finances. It's time to tackle this issue head-on, bring money out in the open, and make it a source of strength to keep our families together. The military lifestyle is hard enough as it is, so let's not make it harder by failing to educate ourselves about finances to help all everyone in uniform along with their partners eliminate stress and start rowing together for Financial Freedom.